Ok got a real issue I'm struggling with. I was at the boxing Saturday night, my mate next to me was sending a fair few texts, pretty much under my nose. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a few words that totally got my attention. This mate is having an affair!! He's a recent but now very close friend. I met his wife 12 years ago via work. There are very few women that I say I would 'fancy' but she is one of them, she is very attractive. We bumped into each other 3 years ago. She lives with him and 2 lovely young kids round the corner from where I live. We get together 2 or 3 times a month on a sunday afternoon for a few beers and wine. He has suffered depression in the past, and said to me a little while ago, (jokingly) he thinks she only married him to have babies... He dotes on them all.... I've been with my wife now for 30 years. We tell each other everything. However I haven't told her about this, and that feels very strange to me. I don't like it!!
I'm about to text him and ask to go for a beer. I feel I must talk to him about it. I'm not mad at him, I'm a realist and know this goes on all the time. However I've never been this close to it...I want to tell him that I know, and also another mate who was with us. He's agreed not to tell his wife either at this time. Hopefully the shock will snap him out of it.

Anyone been through such a thing? Does this sound like a good plan. I've got a mad week at work this week, but can't help but feel this is going to totally distract me

A horrible situation to be in. My advice would be to tell your wife as soon as you can; keeping anything from her could make your friend's indiscretion into something that undermines the complete trust you enjoy in your own relationship.

People have affairs for all sorts of reasons; not always easy for those outside to understand. All you can do is explain to your friend that his indiscreet texting put you in a difficult situation and that however he wants to conduct himself, it isn't fair to involve others - however indirectly.

It may be that the danger of being caught adds to the buzz for him, but he needs to take the proverbial long, hard look at himself to work out if it's really worth it.

Thank you Jim, I feel not telling my wife is stressing me out more than what he is doing. What stopped me is the awkward position it will put her in when she meets up with his wife. However I guess we should deal with this together, after all thats what we have always done.

If I tell him I've told my wife I'm worried what it might do to him. He's told me before he attempted to take his own life in the past!

As you say he's a close but recent friend I'd tread extremely carefully. [Even after many years, how well do we really know anyone?]. He didn't choose to tell you about this so in my opinion it may be inappropriate for you to tell anyone else - even your wife. If/when there's any fallout you could easily be caught in the crossfire; no matter how good your intentions.
If you want to try discuss it with him one-on-one then I sincerely hope he's open to it, if he can put his mobile down long enough! A few beers first sounds good and be prepared to back off quickly.

It's a very delicate situation - especially given his mental health issues. Perhaps his infidelity is partially caused by these and he needs to see it in that light? I'm way out of my depth here, but I still don't think your relationship with your wife should be put under any strain because of it. I'm pretty sure she will understand the reasons for your dilemma.

As a rule you will never be thanked for getting involved is a situation like this. You have a few choices, berry your head in the sand, forget about it and let each party get on with it. The fall out and hassle shouldn't reach your own door.

Take your mate out and have a chat with him but be prepared to live with the lie or loose a friend... or both.

Tell your wife and loose the ability to control the outcome of the situation but at least you have the benefit of being open and honest.

Id rather have not known at all looking at the choices above.

This sort of situation really underlines how much infidelity always boils down to blinkered selfishness. It’s never easy to deal with.

Y'know those sentences that start 'I know it's none of my business, but...'?

That's a damn good place to end them. It's his problem, not yours.

Does keeping this from your Mrs strengthen or weaken your marriage?

Jim C's first paragraph is spot on.

There is really no debate. You are doing the right thing and should feel reassured that you are - whether or not it is what your mate would have wanted you to do is incidental.

thanks for the advice so far my fellow [cloud9]'s I will tell my wife, as I can't keep stuff from her. It will do me in if I don't. I guess we will work out between us if I approach him or not.

She probably already knows/suspects.....

Seriously, don't get involved - what good can possibly come of it?

I've been in this position and had to tell a mate that his partner was playing away.

We haven't talked since (10 years)...I became the bad guy.

He's still with her and she's still mucking around.

It's not unusual for people to have affairs and for their partners to know and accept...

My advice is to tell your Mrs and then for you both to forget about it.

Good luck.

I really believe he's not thinking straight (the power of lust I guess). He will lose his wife and kids and that will finish him off. So I feel I want to try and snap him out of it.

I wouldn't threaten him with 'if you don't stop. I'll telling the wife' that's just wrong. I would rather lose him as a friend than him lose his wife and kids. So it's a gamble I will take....

Ill echo the above, don't get involved, no good will come of it.

Have you told your wife this bit?

I have, my wife is above them all

No disrespect to anyone intended here but there's a world of difference between the black & white of knowing right from wrong and choosing to meddle in other people's personal lives.
By involving yourself you could be the one that causes a family breakup.
Will your wife keep silent? Will she also feel burdoned and perhaps wish you'd never told her?
Whatever you decide, genuinely hope it goes well.

Barnacle has given you the correct advice.
Keep it to yourself and give the mate a very wide birth until it ends or he gets found out. It's not your problem.

I don't know if there is a "right" answer.

@adder, it looks like you're dealing with the choice of being "open" and sharing the info with your good lady (echo that it's always a good policy) or the potential (perceived by you) danger of him ending it all. You're faced with two loyalties - his life and your wife. I could see that if all is revealed and you feel you've been party to it you'd never forgive yourself if he went terminal.

Ideal situation IMO, tell your wife of long-standing and get her to be as silent as yourself. Your mate is no good to his children (even if separated) if he's not actually around, and let's face it, the children, in whatever predicament they find themselves in through parental disagreement, are always the priority.

Tell your wife and ask her for her advice.

I had a similar situation once. My best mate cheated on his long term girlfriend a few times. I told my (now) wife and we both told him we didn't approve and that he should confess.

He never did come clean but he did end up breaking up with her and they're both better for it.

Different circumstances to your story though. No kids involved and both in their mid twenties at the time.

I'm in the "Leave well alone" camp. Keep it to yourself and forget about it.

The problem with the "see no evil" approach is that it can come back and bite you in the arse. If both you and your mate saw and have discussed the (alleged) guilty party's texts, then it is no longer a case of your "dodgy eyesight". If word gets out and you are seen to have done nothing, it's worse.
Quite apart from the weight on your own conscience.
As with the OP, my primary concern would be sharing important stuff with my wife.

First things first sort it with the Mrs! She's the most important! Easier to loose a friend than get fccuk'd by a divorce
Does she ever stumble across your comments on here? If so you best get your arse into gear! Else you will be found to be lying to her even though you have good intentions!
If you can sort that bit out then you only need to sort it out if you think your in too deep otherwise walk away and distance yourself as your friend will start to involve you anyway
Sort of been in a similar situation but luckily wasn't too close to my mates Mrs! Felt like a real shitbag though!
Best of luck and remember, family comes first!!

Does it put your wife on the spot knowing? The one and only important question. If it does then you may need to forget about it.

Again thanks for all the advice yesterday. My wife wouldn't know how to find this place . It's certainly the best place to talk away from family and friends.

I was slightly clever with the wife last night, said we were chatting about a particular awkward situation at work. With what she said. I replied it was me... then suddenly realised how that came out!! Then I explained who it was. She was shocked but we then talked through what I should and shouldn't do next. She does deal with this kind of thing at work. Helping troubled families with young kiddies involved.
I can't ignore it, I wouldn't be a close friend if I did. I plan to meet him for a beer. Give him an option to come clean, Explain that I know what is going on. Ask him if he wants to talk about it. If not then all I want to say to him will be that there is no way we can get together for our usual Sunday afternoons until he swears he's ended it.

This is where the wife and I differ, she says he must tell his wife, get it out in the open and deal with the issues that must be there. What will be will be. I'm more he shouldn't say anything unless the guilt eats him alive. I'm praying the shock of me knowing will snap him out of it. If not then I guess him splitting with his wife was meant to be.

I disagree with your wife.

If he ends his adultery, it may not be to his wife's benefit to know about it. It could destroy the marriage. He may want to tell her in order to assuage his guilt but it may just be something he has to live with - telling her in order to feel less guilty would just be another selfish act.

It is possible to rebuild a marriage after an affair, but not always.

He might find it helpful to speak to someone who is able to help him understand why he wanted the affair and how to refocus on and improve his marriage.

NB I speak from experience of counselling couples and individuals through these issues.

I also know how hard it will be for you to take the stand you are taking. It could be the end of the friendship, but I agree 100% - his marriage and kids is more important than you enjoying the occasional pint together.

I had this same dilemma many years ago.

I had been dating my now wife for a few months when I drunkenly kissed another girl. I was racked with guilt and trying to decide whether or not to tell her was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.

I ran through your exact argument in my head and convinced myself that no good would come from her knowing. It was almost as though the punishment for my sin was living with it for the rest of my life.

In the end I confessed. It was perhaps a selfish act but seeing the pain it caused her made me realise what she meant to me and that I would never do it again.

I truly believe that we are the better for it and we have a loving and honest relationship.

Different circumstances, for sure. We were both in our early twenties, early in the relationship and it was *only* a kiss. But it was a really big deal for us.

I have also managed it, from the other side. I was in a previous relationship where I was able to draw a line under her affair so the relationship could be restored. I won't go into details, but a few on here know some of the story.

Going through these things can make you a better husband/wife.

Over 20 years ago I encouraged someone (who had an affair and felt immense guilt) that telling her husband was the right thing to do. The marriage did not recover. My advice was well-intended but naieve and, I believe, wrong. It is not a question with a simple one size fits all answer. I still grieve for the two children of that relationship.

Some marriages will survive and strengthen. Some will crumble. Good support will increase the chances of a better outcome.

Does he still suffer from depression? A common symptom is the need for "attention" which often leads further than it otherwise would. Depressed people often do not clearly see the other view - the logical view. We "average" untrained people don't really have the knowledge to really successfully deal with such people because we don't really understand how they are ticking. You have to be very careful and even then you may just make your friend think you are taking sides and not his which only makes a depressed person feel even further under pressure

Thanks for sharing your experiences guys. very appreciated.

I wouldn't say he's suffered depression since I've known him, but then you can never really tell can you.. He had a cancer scare very recently. that's all ok though. So maybe his head is all over the place. He's a 'needy' guy, wants everyone to like him. He's a nice friendly and I would have said 'Honourable' bloke. So I honestly believe he's not thinking straight.. I just want him to know that I know. How he deals with this matter after that, only time will tell. I will be there for him if he wants me to be.