Just a bit of background on a new member so you can see what an idiot I can be when the mood takes me !

A bit more rubbish for you, feel free to ignore it if you want. I wrote this just a few months after moving to Cyprus in 1993, sounds like I was desperate, I probably was ! Working long hours for second rate peanuts and all this to contend with too. The cars concerned were a 1500 Triumph Dolomite and my Alfetta Gold Cloverleaf Saloon. Despo, or Tess, is the ex……



We still seem to be getting more than our fair share of car problems, I seem to be plagued with 'em these days. It's odd 'cos their both doing less work than they ever used to but get more snags than I used to suffer in Boston. Maybe they don't like Cyprus.......... About a month ago Despo returned home in the Dolomite one Sunday and walked in and said that the clutch had gone again. Pessimist that I am even I didn't believe that we could have gone through 3 clutches in 18 months and sure enough investigation proved me right. (Clever B....r you say ! ) She wasn't too far off the mark though, it was gearbox problems, all you got was 1, 2 and reverse and the gearchange just didn't feel right. After a quick look I decided that there wasn't much I could do as it was either the gearbox itself or the selector linkage so it was dispatched to the local equivalent of a British back street garage whilst I kept fingers, toes etc firmly crossed. Anyway it returned a couple of hours later with a bill for £20.00 and a new plastic bush on the back end of the gearbox so it didn't turn out too badly in the end. I can only presume that the Alfa got to feeling jealous of all the attention that the Triumph has had so it decided that it wanted a bit more care and attention, not to mention brake fluid, as it has decided to start pouring this rather vital liquid all over the roads of Cyprus at an alarming rate. I don't think it's anything too serious but it's off to the afore mentioned mechanic in the morning.

That leaves us with no cars on the road as the Triumph is in Custom bond at the moment until all the paperwork for the registration comes through which might be this next week, or then again it might not, government departments are the same the world over. Anyway once this and the Alfa's sorted out I hope that's an end to car problems of any kind for a while.

Well here we go with the ongoing saga of ' Cars, Cyprus & Me '. As mentioned in the last missive the Alfa's fondness for fresh brake fluid was getting out of hand so off it went for a check up with Doctor Bob. The prognosis was not good. As I had more than half suspected the dodgy rear callipers were no longer dodgy, they were nadged, but no worries as new ones here in Cyprus were available on the spot for a mere £200.00 each. I courteously declined this offer and went home to look for a hose pipe which would fit over the exhaust pipe but in the end settled for a bottle or so of brandy instead. Anyway when the ole brain cell's, the few that are left, began to function again, out came the Alfa owners club magazine and the international phone lines grew hot. In the end I got two reconditioned callipers delivered airmail within five days for £132.00 and got them fitted for a massive £35.00, so all is now well with the Alfa and I can go vroom vroom with a bit of confidence that I can also put rubber and not just hydraulic fluid on the road if, when?, I have to.


The Cyprus customs got a nice Christmas present from us on Christmas Eve. The paperwork came through for the Triumph and for a mere £650.00 we could have it back and register it in Cyprus. So with a smile on her face, murder in her heart and 650 quid stuffed in her knickers off Despo went to do the deed. The Triumph duly arrived back, as of course did Despo. I'm not sure which of them I was more pleased to see, having spent nearly two months either mo-pedding or walking to work. I quickly checked over the car, Despo I checked over later, much later, and found that apart from a slight evaporation of brake fluid ( from the car, not Despo ) all was well, and I might as well add that Despo seemed alright later as well. Anyway apart from all the above drivel the Triumph is still a good deal to us out here, I had a trip in a £300.00 Cyprus banger the other day and boy that was really rough so I still think we've got a bargain. All that's left now is to register them both, and that could cost a few hundred, and then hopefully the continuing saga of ' Cars, Cyprus & Me ' can have a well deserved break. no doubt to return later in a somewhat revised form.

In between all this building drudgery the Dolomite decided that it had been well behaved for long enough. It started with clutch problems, again, I think that car must own shares in a clutch manufacturing business, either that or it suffers from Munchausen Syndrome and enjoys it guts being torn apart periodically. The clutch was duly replaced, not that it mattered much 'cos the week after the gearbox seized up, something that was not entirely unexpected as it had been complaining noisily for long enough. A search around the island revealed a second hand gearbox at a reasonable price and this was duly fitted, again for a very reasonable price, so we smugly congratulated ourselves on getting away with this fairly well. Should have known better, old fools like me never learn without paying, and pay I did, barely a fortnight later, when the water pump failed, taking with it in sympathy the head gasket. Back to the garage where more beer chits crossed palms ( running out of these, please send more ! ) and the car is back on the road, but how fast it's going we don't know as the day after the speedometer got tired and sulky and is currently on strike, a condition it can remain in for as long as it wants, I've no intention of even going to arbitration on this one, taking a leaf out of the railway signallers book. Hopefully, hope I'm not tempting fate, that's it for a while, although whatever goes wrong doesn't matter, it will have to be fixed regardless, both cars are needed on the road all the time.


Still on the transport scene there is a new addition to the family fleet of transport, it's called a ' Motofellatio ', or some such Italian name and the performance of this machine can easily be described in two words - it sucks. Yes, it's a super high powered moped and I am currently using it to travel to work on. You may think I lived life in the gutter prior to this but now it's a literal fact, stay in the gutter or get demolished by some juggernaut such as a Fiat 126. Still it is very cheap to run and to keep on the road so it will serve it's purpose until such time as I can afford a proper motorbike.

We were forced into buying this little machine for the ridiculously inflated price of £30.00 as the Dolomite decided to play games again, hence Tess got the Alfa and I got sore feet until I reneged and demanded transport, serve's you right I can hear echoing over the miles. Anyway back to the woe's of the Dolomite. It started to overheat and lose water so I suspected that maybe the Head gasket had blown it's top so off it went to the garage. The report came back ' Need a new engine mister ', naturally enough I wasn't too chuffed to hear this and so decided to tow it away for a second opinion. This came back ' No problem, needs head gasket and head refurb only '. Much relieved, now it's only a matter of time as Despo's brother is doing it in his spare time, we will have to be patient. Meanwhile I suppose that I am getting used to the Motofellatio, at least I have the time to admire the scenery, could even take a very long exposure photograph, but think of the petrol I'm saving.


Transportation problems still haunt me even after all this time. The Dolomite's engine top end rebuild was duly completed and seems to have been reasonably successful and worthwhile, currently, touch wood, it's running well enough and not giving great cause for concern, although after all the problems there is always some doubt. It's the usual story, just about everything that can be replaced HAS been replaced but the trust in the machine is no longer there. The other side of the coin is that you decide that you really cannot trust it any longer and so you sell it off, only to find that the person who buys it has ten years trouble free motoring, thanks to all the money you've spent on it. Of course should you keep it the dubri flip flopper and then the whajjermecallit both fail at the same time and require about £500.00 to put right, do you fix it or scrap it at at this point, after already spending so much ? The Answer ? Buggered if I know. Despo was offered a tidy sum for it a little while ago, but, rightly or wrongly, I counselled against it, thinking that better the devil you know rather than a leap in the dark with some poor mistreated Cyprus banger. ( Steady on, I'm talking about cars, not cabaret girls ). The Alfa's enjoying a bit of a rest right now, just as well as it's in need of a jolly good seeing to. Leaking water pump gasket, suspected failed head gasket, worn brake pads, old oil now mixing nicely with the water that seeps into the sump from the cooling system, slightly slipping clutch and creaking suspension, a bit like it's owner really. Who's the owner ? Well it's a choice 'tween her and me, I'll let you decide. Assuming that the bloodsuckers mentioned above leave me a little bit of cash I'll try and sort it sometime soon, there's no great problem, about £400.00 will sort it all. Mind you what with cars, school fees, house rent, house building, taxes and non essentials such as food the cash is spread a bit thinly so it may have to wait a few weeks.

The best is kept to last, as always. That wonder machine, the Motofellatio still gives it's all, not withstanding the occasional puncture and hiccups when the engine expires for ten seconds in every ten minutes, it manfully tries to transport this meagre frame of mine at least twenty miles each working day, and all for a quids worth of fuel a week. Hardly stylish or macho, but it does the job, a bit like me, we seem to have a lot in common.


The modern update. Did it all end well ? Did it hellaslike.

I ended up with the only rear engined Alfetta in the world as the engine ended up in the boot in component parts after asking someone to remove the head for examination. It stayed like that for several Months until was cut in half, couldn’t sell any bits from it as I’d imported it Duty Free and anyway by then I had gone on to better things in Oman.

The Dolmite expired big time in a cloud of smoke outside the Keo Brewery less than 24 hours before my departure to the desert, never saw it again.

The Motofellatio ? No idea.