A biker goes to his doctor with a hearing problem.

" Describe the symptoms" asks the doctor

The biker answers

" Well , Homer is a big fat lazy yellow bast*rd, and Marge is a tall skinny bird with big blue hair!"

How can you spot a blind guy at a nudist camp?

Its not hard.

Why did the chicken cross the road and wander onto the local soccer pitch?

Because the ref was calling fouls

OK, a very old biker joke ...

A truck driver is on the motorway doing 60 when there's a tap against his window.

He looks over and, along side him is a biker, who's standing, barefoot, on the bars of his bike, working the throttle with his toes, with his helmet off and stuck on the pillion seat and this biker's motioning for the truck driver to wind his window down.

He does so, and in the face of the 60mph headwind, shouts, "What do you want?".

The biker raises a cigarette and yells, "HAVE YOU GOT A LIGHT, MATE?"

"YOU F***ING IDIOT!" yells the trucker, "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF!"

"NAH", comes the biker's reply, "I ONLY SMOKE 10 A DAY".

I put the cool in dyslexia.

I just saw a holiday advert "Book by 25th July and your children go free".

I know the holiday industry's having a tough time, but I hardly think kidnaping kids and making televised demands like that is the way forward.

I put the sex in Lydia

How do Mexicans keep warm?

They use Chicken Fajitas.

A man goes into a butchers shop and says to the butcher...

"A pound of kidderleys please."

"You mean kidneys don't you sir?"

"Thats what I said diddleye"

How many swearbots does it take to change a light bulb?




Who gives a

I was going to say s***loads

Sorry Mario I just cant help myself... ok I'll stop

What do Michael Jackson and Arthur Scargill have in common?



Neither have seen a Miner's helmet in years

can we get a joke sticky going

Secrets to succesful dating
Before you leave your house...
1. Put on a little too much cologne.

2. Before you leave home, fill your pockets with mints. When your date says something to you when she's really close, give her a mint. EX: Girl - ''This movie sure is romantic.'' Guy - ''Here's a mint, now what did you say?''

When you go to pick her up:
1. When you get to her door, don't knock or ring the doorbell, just go on in. She's expecting you.

2. Call her parents by their first names.

3. If she asks you how she looks, and her parents are nearby, tell her she looks sexy.

4. When introducing yourself to her parents, tell them that you prefer to go by your gang name.

5. Always look nice when you meet the parents. wear a new Marlboro jacket and be sure to tell them how many Marlboro bucks it took to get it. Parents smile upon a man that can save his Marlboro money.

6. Show respect. Take your Fubu cap and matching coat off when you enter the house. Make sure you wear your cap and coat in the summer too. If her parents ask why, tell them that you're ''keepin' it real.''

On the way to wherever:
1. Do NOT let her touch the radio or the air conditioner. You are the man, make sure she knows that.

2. If she makes up for lost time by putting on her lipstick in the car, gently tap the brakes at the same time the lipstick touches her mouth.

3. Check out the girl in the other car while at the stoplight.

4. If you pick the girl up from home at 6:45, have someone call you on the cell phone at 7:00 and talk to them till you get to your destination, this way you won't have to worry about what to say to her.

5. Drive ten miles BELOW the speed limit.

6. Develop a really bad Pee Wee Herman impression and talk to her through it.

When you arrive at your destination:
1. If you go to the movies, flirt with the girl at the ticket counter.

2. If you go to a restaurant, say you're really hungry. Let her order first. Since you'll be eating heavy, she'll probably order a big meal, too. When she finishes, order a small coke and a box of McDonaldland cookies.

3. If you get nervous, just pretend that she's one of your guy friends. At the end of the meal, say ''Boy, you ate everything but the table.'' Say it with confidence.

4. Be classy. If you eat at McDonald's, leave a tip.

On the way back to her house: Take your cell phone and call another girl. Ask her to do something with you in about an hour.


A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, �You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.�

�But I'm not pregnant,� she says.

�Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,� he says.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

YES, THAT ONE'S NICE.
Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?

THAT ONE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU.
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I LIKE THAT ONE BETTER.
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

UH-HUH.
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Zzzzz Zzz Zzz Zzzzz . . . . . . . .
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I DON'T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER.
I'm gay

IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT.
I'm really stupid!

What did the essex girl say whilst having sex?
So are you all on the same rugby team?

What a weekend!

I believed I'd broken my record for continuous sex - 1 hour and 2 minutes......... I then realised the ******* clocks had gone forward....

A bloke has always wanted to be an actor, but can never seem to get a break. Then, one day, his agent phones - "I've got an audition for you. It's only one line, all you have to say is 'Hark! I hear the cannons', but it's the opening line of the play, so it could be a big break."

So the guy goes to the audition and finds himself standing alone on the stage, watched by the director and the casting director.

"Hark! I hear the cannons" he intones.

"Again!" barks the casting director.

"Hark! I hear the cannons"

The director's on his feet applauding, "You're brilliant. we haven't seen anybody who can deliver the line half as well as that. You've got the part!".

Naturally our hero is thrilled, but then he has a stroke of bad luck - his dear old mum has a bad turn and gets taken to hospital and, as a dutiful son, he feels he has to spend as much time as possible with her. So he phones the director and explains that he won't be able to make rehearsals and that, sorry though he is, they'll have to cast somebody else.

Well the director won't hear of it. He insists that nobody else can do the big opening line so well, so he tells our chap not to worry about the rehearsals and to just turn up to the dress rehearsal the day before the play opens.

So, our man spends the time with his mum, practising his line. "Hark! I hear the cannons" he'll quote, in his best RSC voice and his mum will applaud and tell him how brilliant he is and how he's going to be a great actor.

The day of the dress rehearsal comes and his mum's much worse. He feels he can't leave her while she's circling the plug-hole, so again he phones the director and asks to be released.

"No way" insists the director, "Nobody can say 'Hark! I hear the cannons' like you do. Just come along to the opening night and say 'Hark! I hear the cannons' the way you did at the audition and everything will be fine".

So, our guy spends another day with his mum, who just wants to hear his big line over and over.
"Hark! I hear the cannons!" he'll say and she'll respond, "Brilliant! Do it again" ... "Hark! I hear the cannons" and so on.

Unfortunately she passes away during the night and our would-be actor finds himself in a whirlwind of paper-work and so forth, so much so that he doesn't notice the time pass until he realises it's only 45 minutes until curtain up.

He jumps in his car and drives to the theatre like a mad man, all the way practising his big line, "Hark! I hear the cannons", "Hark! I hear the cannons", "Hark! I hear the cannons"

He screeches into a disabled bay outside the theatre and runs up to the stage door.

"Who are you?" asks the bouncer on the door.

"I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!" pants the bloke.

"Bloody hell, mate, you're cutting it a bit fine. Get inside!"

So he runs in and finds the stage manager, who asks him, "Who are you?"

"I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!"

"Jesus! It's curtain up in 10 minutes get to wardrobe now!"

So he runs up to wardrobe. "Who are you?" asks the wardrobe mistress.

"I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!"

"Arg! Quick! Get this costume on!" And she throws him a Napoleonic uniform. He gets changed as fast as he can then gets told to run upstairs to make-up.

"Who are you?" asks the make-up girl.

"I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!"

"What? You're on in 5 minutes! Get in the chair!". She dabs some make-up on his face and sends him running to the wings.

"Who are you?" asks the stage-hand there.

"I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!"

"Bloody hell! Right, get centre-stage, the curtain's about to come up!"

So our man runs to the middle of the stage and the curtain lifts in front of him and a spot-light illuminates him. Through the glare he can see a packed auditorium and he knows that he's got a sell-out performance for his very first stage appearance.

Suddenly there's an almighty bang behind him and he yells, "What the f**k was that???"






Sorry, but it really tickled me. My coat's the one with the rotten tomatoes stuck to it.

I just watched the Simpsons - what a load of far fetched cr@p.

I mean, who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a Nuclear Power Station.....

what do you call a dear with no eyes?

no idea

what do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs

still no idea


cheeseeee! lol

What do you call a deer with no legs, no eyes and no genitals?

lol. i choose to leave that one out but bravo! hehe

Did anyone hear about the crash on the M6 today?

An arctic lorry carrying Vicks Vapo rub overturned and landed on another car..........


The police said "Don't worry, there won't be any congestion!"

An obese bird strugling to walk stopped me in the street this morning and said "will you see me across the road love?"

i said " across the road i could see you from space you fat ***t

Overheard some female work colleagues talking about what constitutes a good film and they all agreed that how good a film is can be meaasured by the number of tissues they got through while watching it.

How bizarre - I use a similar system....

A farmer sends his sheepdog into a field, and tells him to count up how many sheep there were.

The dog returns and tells the farmer 'there's 40 sheep in that field'.

That's odd, says the farmer, there should only be 37....

The sheepdog says ...
























'that's because I've rounded them up..!'

Failed a job interview this morning.

Apparently a gangbang isn't proof that you can work as part of a team.....

I got told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn't have children.

Three weeks after he told me that my girlfriend was pregnant.

Who's the Daddy?

Wait a minute....






A stranger approached me one day in the street. He had one ear on the top of his head and one ear on his chin.

He said to me, ''Look at me very very carefully, what do you see?''

''You're wearing contact lenses,'' I replied immediately.

''How did you know that?'' he asked, surprised.

I said, ''Because you can't wear glasses with ears like that.''

I bought some Meatloaf boxer shorts the other day. On the front it says "I will do anything for love" and on the back "but I won't do that"...

My window cleaner knocked at the door this morning shouting and swearing. I thought: "He's lost his rag".

Why did the sperm cross the road?


Because I put the wrong socks on this morning

Two tampons pass each other in the street, and what do they say to each other?

Nothing, theyre both stuck-up cu***