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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: ]
#811271
09/04/2009 22:40
09/04/2009 22:40
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phatphiat
Unregistered
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phatphiat
Unregistered
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How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?
about 300 - 1 to hold the bulb and 299 to turn the room round.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#811456
10/04/2009 09:54
10/04/2009 09:54
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,294 Portsmouth
ali_hire
Forum is my life
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Forum is my life
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,294
Portsmouth
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A coroner said today that "Jeremy Beadle died at exactly 6:30"
When asked how they knew, the coroner replied "Both the big hand and small hand were pointing down" Well if we're digging out Jeremy Beadle jokes... Apparently Jeremy Beadle has got a really tiny penis, but on the other hand it could be quite large.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: evo_number_one]
#811510
10/04/2009 11:39
10/04/2009 11:39
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Nello
Unregistered
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Nello
Unregistered
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Gratuitously lifted from another forum - but worth it.....
A vicar books into a hotel and asks the clerk
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"
"No Vicar its just regular porn you sick bas*ard!"
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: ]
#811680
10/04/2009 16:31
10/04/2009 16:31
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ShinyMcShine
Unregistered
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ShinyMcShine
Unregistered
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There's trouble in Fairytale Land ...... six of the dwarves aren't happy.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#834796
19/05/2009 13:01
19/05/2009 13:01
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Piers
Unregistered
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Piers
Unregistered
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My clotheshorse broke this morning.
It was the end of an airer.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: ]
#835201
19/05/2009 22:38
19/05/2009 22:38
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,336 Selby
Mansilla
My job on the forum
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My job on the forum
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,336
Selby
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A man makes his first parachute jump.
He pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens.
In a panic, he pulls it again. Still nothing.
Then, to his amazement, he sees another man pass him - on the way up.
So he yells to him 'Hey, mate, do you know anything about parachutes?'
And he replies 'No. Do you know anything about Gas Cookers?'
1. Think of something witty and urbane 2. Imagine it written here
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: ]
#835482
20/05/2009 14:12
20/05/2009 14:12
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Piers
Unregistered
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Piers
Unregistered
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Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven Sir Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven!!! Teacher: Where the f ![censored censored](/forum/images/graemlins/default/censored.gif) k do you get seven from?!?!? Johnny: Because I f ![censored censored](/forum/images/graemlins/default/censored.gif) ing have 1 at home!!!
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: ]
#837602
24/05/2009 14:44
24/05/2009 14:44
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NuIotaChi
Unregistered
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NuIotaChi
Unregistered
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And the big bad wolf bellowed "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!!!" "Fccuk off", cried the little pig, "Or I'll sneeze on you!"
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: ]
#879059
09/08/2009 01:34
09/08/2009 01:34
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NuIotaChi
Unregistered
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NuIotaChi
Unregistered
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: ]
#979580
06/02/2010 14:43
06/02/2010 14:43
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,645
JKD
Forum is my job
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Forum is my job
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,645
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A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed." The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!" "Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out." "No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?" "Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail. "Listen, pal..." says the bartender. "Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?" "Ruff!" exclaims the dog. "Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender. "One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?" "Ruth!" barked the dog. "Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street. Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: Mansilla]
#979620
06/02/2010 16:45
06/02/2010 16:45
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Enforcer
Unregistered
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Enforcer
Unregistered
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I like that. ![laugh laugh](/forum/images/graemlins/default/laugh.gif)
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: ]
#979621
06/02/2010 16:47
06/02/2010 16:47
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Enforcer
Unregistered
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Enforcer
Unregistered
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: ]
#983880
14/02/2010 01:13
14/02/2010 01:13
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Enforcer
Unregistered
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Enforcer
Unregistered
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How about this one, then.
One day the great philosopher Socrates came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued."You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter -- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: ]
#983996
14/02/2010 14:24
14/02/2010 14:24
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20vste
Unregistered
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20vste
Unregistered
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ashley colemhas just been banned for speeding was caught doind 146 mph on the m25,the arresting officer asked him why he was going so fast,ashley relied ive just had a text john terrys car's outside my house
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: ]
#1071269
17/07/2010 13:51
17/07/2010 13:51
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,645
JKD
Forum is my job
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Forum is my job
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,645
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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he got up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: JKD]
#1071293
17/07/2010 15:30
17/07/2010 15:30
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jimmylo
Unregistered
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jimmylo
Unregistered
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When I was young all the other kids used to bully me. They would cover me in whipped cream and put cherries on me.
It was tough growing up in the gateau.........
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: ]
#1071352
17/07/2010 18:20
17/07/2010 18:20
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546 Northumberland
AndrewR
I AM a Coop
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I AM a Coop
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
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Red Bull gives you wings ... unless you're Mark Webber, when it gives them to your team-mate instead.
Dear monos, a secret truth.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: AndrewR]
#1071393
17/07/2010 21:26
17/07/2010 21:26
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SimonCoupe
Unregistered
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SimonCoupe
Unregistered
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Did your hear about the dyslexic South African football fan?
He got arrested for blowing a Zulu's Vulva!
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: ]
#1071394
17/07/2010 21:27
17/07/2010 21:27
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SimonCoupe
Unregistered
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SimonCoupe
Unregistered
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The good thing about paedophiles is that at least they drive slowly past schools...
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