how does a proffesor do a s**t? he works it out with a pencil

Two fish in a tank, when one turns to the other and says "you have any idea how to drive this?"

Two cows in a field, one says "nice weather today..." the other one says "f**k me, a talking cow!"

Two parrots are sat on a Perch.

One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"


R lass didn't get that joke!

Why did the monkey take his banana to the doctors

Because it wasn't peeling well.

A guy with a flatulence problem goes to a doctor.

"Doctor", he says, "I keep farting really loud and it sounds like a motorcycle."

"OK", replies the doctor, "Drop your trousers, bend over and we'll have a look."

After a while, the doctor says "Ahh, yes, I see the problem.... you have an abscess on your sphincter."

"And as everyone knows", he adds, "abscess makes the fart go Honda."

OK, if you insist on keeping this alive ...

MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (Nov. 13) -- A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died Thursday in a freak accident involving his washing machine. According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine's ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck. The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine's agitator went into gear. Strickson's head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson's face, blinding him. Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself. Strickson's dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the same time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in "a small explosion," according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson round at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic experts. Strickson's head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.

Not a joke, but no worse than a crap one.

In the news this week, Michael Jackson has announed his dates for his UK tour. They are David (aged 8), John (aged 9), Jeremy (aged 6) ...

Eurrgh, that one was hideous!

Q. Why do mathematicians never get constipated?

A. Coz they're always prepared to work it out with a pencil.

Wow, the same way the professor does 4 jokes up

Oop!

Apologies in advance...


A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'


'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

lol at Enforcer. I was just thinking of posting a non-joke (for a laugh) but i doubt i would have been as creative as you. Make sure you keep out of the laundry room Enforcer

How do you make a hormone?















Don't pay her....

Don't you hate it when when someone writes a joke and they put an exclamation mark at the end of the punch line?

It's like they're laughing at their own joke!

Why did Shelock Holmes paint his hall-way yellow?
.
.
.
.
.
.
"A-lemon-entry my dear Watson!"

what do you call an orange parrot??
























a carrot

Why was the sand wet

why emjay ???

"Users will also refrain from posting anything that is, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise in violation of any law."

I refuse to believe that you are not smart enough to work it out

Did it not cross your mind it was a bit close to the edge? Honestly?

TBH it was just a joke fairdoos . Did you not laugh ???

I didn't as not funny ... which makes it a non joke

yes but you need a sense of humour in the first place

I thought it was quite funny, personally, but humour's a very subjective thing.

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?







FULL!!!!

whats green and lies in the gutter???



kermit the grog

(From my 6 year old niece...)



What's pink and fluffy?











Pink fluff...

What's brown and sticky?











A stick....

What's blue and fluffy?












Pink fluff holding it's breath...

What do you call a woman with a sandwich on one shoulder, a slice of cake on the other and a cup of tea on her head?

Cath

Paddy says to Mick...

"I've been taking these steroids, and I've grown an extra willy!!!!"

"Anabolic?" Mick asks?

Paddy replies...

"No mate, just a willy....."