10 reasons why men are lazy:

1)

A tanker carrying superglue has overturned on the northbound M6. Police are advising motorists to stick to their own lanes.

Removed...

1. It was all in capitals.
2. It didn't make sense.
3. It had too many swear words in it.

a baby seal walks into a club.........

thank you
goodnight

A lorry carrying one million alarm clocks has overturned and shed its load on a dangerous bend in Cumbria. One police spokesman said "this is a real wake-up call for motorists".

Why is 6 afraid of 7 ?

Because 7, 8, 9

Courtesy of my 12 year old brat darling daughter

how do you make a snooker table laugh?








put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.

what do you call a woman lying in the gutter ?







ingrid!!!

what do you call a woman setting fire to all her bills???







bernadette! ha ha !

what do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head?









edwood wooodwood

please stop !

(needs to be told, not read)

What's the difference between illegal and unlawful?

One's against the law, the other's a sick bird.

What wobbles as it flies?



A jelly-copter.

Where do bees go on their day off?
To the wax museum.

Why did the skeleton burp?




























Because he didnt have the guts to fart..........

A boy asked his rich uncle for a cowboy outfit for his birthday.
So the uncle bought him a used car dealership.

A man goes into a butcher shop and says, "I bet ya £350 that you can't reach that bit of meat," indicating a cut of beef hanging above him. The butcher looks up and says, "No way."

The guy says, "Why not?"

And the butcher answers, "The steaks are too high!"

1 more i found;

A man had a son, but he was born as only a head. The man loved his son very much and took care of him, even though he was only a head. When the son turned 21, the man took him to a bar.

"One whiskey for my boy, barkeep!" said the man.

"You don't want to do that," said the bartender.

"He's a man, just turned 21! Get him a whiskey!" "I'm serious," the bartender insisted. "It's a bad idea."

"Just do it!" ordered the man.

So the bartender got the head a whiskey, and when he drank it, he sprouted a body! The head and his dad were excited, but the bartender wasn't pleased.

"Wow, another one of those for my boy!" yelled the man.

"It's a really bad idea," the bartender stated.

"Just give him a stupid whiskey! Geez, I'm payin', ain't I?" said the man, a little frustrated now.

So the bartender gave the son a whiskey, and he grew an arm! The father made the bartender give more whiskey to the head, and he grew another arm, a leg, another leg, and finally the head was a whole person.

The son was so excited that he ran into the street, screaming and shouting happily, and was hit by a car and died.

"I told you," the bartender said. "You should've quit while he was a head."

A man goes to the doctor's and the doctor says, "I've got some good news and some bad news".

"What's the bad news", asks the man.

"Your test results have come back", says the doc, "and they show that you only have 3 months to live"

"Oh my god! That is bad news ... what's the good news?"

"Well", says the doctor, "Do you see that gorgeous blonde nurse with the huge chest over there? I shagged her last night!".

Q. Why did Ronaldo crash his Ferrari?

A. 'cos he's crap at corners!

A couple are at the doctors, the doctor pulls the guy to one side and says...

"I'm sorry to tell you sir but your wife has either aids or alzheimers.
"Can't you tell which" asks the man
"No" says the doctor
"What should I do" Asks the man
"Take her into town and leave her there, if she finds her way home, don't shag her".

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

How do you get 2 whales in a mini?

Up the M4

better answer is: up the M4

I think that might have been the proper answer, yes.

Whats a Wok?


Its something you throw at wabbits when you dont have a wifle!

Boomtish!

G

Major power cut at one of Dublins' top department stores yesterday.

Some shoppers were stuck on the escalators for up to 3 hours.

Man. I cant see or hear about flip flops any more without this joke popping into my head.

I went to a fortune teller yesterday. She said "We are closed". I said "Could you not tell I was coming"?.


Anyway we sat down and she said "You will not have anymore children". And after that her crystal ball rolled off the table and crushed my Knackers.

bom bom,,,,,