1a - Paint. This must remain a one stock colour with no bold graphics, highlights or be two tone.The only exception being if the colour used is from another Italian car maker and is of a cool hue.
1b - Paint. Whatever colour you Coupé is, it is the best colour and all other colours are inferior and you must remind others of this at every opportunity. (But you all know that Portofino Blue is the best really)
2 - No Abarth badges. Penalty - you will have the pi$$ taken out of you.
3 - No Ferrari badges. Penalty - You will be sent to the naughty step and made to watch Pulling Power.
4 - No spoilers. Penalty - you will be made to watch Mike Brewer trying to sell cars on Auto Trader.
4b - If you must have a spoiler it HAS to be the factory / Zender one.
5 - A 16v model is better than a 20v.
6 - A 20v model is better than a 16v.
7 - You must flash your headlights and/or wave when you see another Coupé - then report it on the Coupé spotting section of the Forum ASAP.
8 - Check your oil (Before anyone else adds it! EDIT: Dammit! beaten to it!)
9 - No 'Turbo' or 'Coupe' badges from Halfrauds. Penalty - you will look a dick.
10 - If a kid says "Nice Ferrari", say nothing other than "Thank You". We were all kids once, one day they'll realise its better than that. (Well, the 20vt anyway..... He winks while invoking rule 6)
11 - The Coupe must be incorporated into the family holiday photo at least once each holiday
12. You must always panic and think the worst when the engine makes an unusual noise in traffic, coupe paranoia rules!
13. Once sold you must repeatedly tell the Coupe community it's the worst car ever made
14: if it has been raining at all and your just setting off..you must pop the window down just enough to drench your right arm
15. Its mandatory to come up with illogical reasons why your spec of car is 'better' than another spec of car. For example "Pah.. I wouldn't have aircon because it would lose me 1.5bhp"
16) If your coop is standing in a traffic jam for longer than 12 seconds you must turn off the engine to prevent overheating (more coop paranoia)!
17a) Wherever possible, taking up 2 parking spaces is mandatory
17b) Anyone coming within 2 feet of the car is asking to be given the evil eye unless they are part of the coop fraternity of course
18) There is no point trying to use the horn in anger, as by the time you have found the thing the other party is too far away to hear it!
19) always feel free to smoke as the ashtray is always open
20)when asked why the brakes squeel always reply the discs need bedding in
21)always remember your coop is faster than anything else on the road especialy when in third gear
22)the white smoke on start up is just the condensation
23)when asked, you bought the car for its styling rather than reliabilty
24)never carry loose change you will only loose it as your arse slides around on the seats
25)when asked about your good thigh muscles, its due to trying to stop your arse sliding all over the seats.
26) The airbag light always comes back on - live with it
27) Give the car a full blast through the rev range at least once a week to make sure it "feels" as fast as it should. If it doesnt, isolate a noise that you dont think it should be making and put two and two together, there are plenty to choose from!
28) If unsure which type of oil to use, start a new thread in the general maintenance section (or one of the surrounding ones) and await friendly advice and assistance.
30) Group Buys will always take place the moment you have no money.
31)For every item you tick off of your 'to-do' list, 3 more are added.
32) All unknown and unwanted squeaks and rattles can be fixed by a single button. Vol +
33) Be prepared for problems!
34) Any women that have no clue about your car, tell them it's a mini-Ferrari
35. Handbrake turns are a myth.
36. The man who invented three point turns didn't own a 20VT.
37a. Scars on your hands and arms from working on your coupe ARE attractive to members of the opposite sex.
37b) If you need some new tyres, start a new thread in general maintencance
38) Get your thermostat replaced bi-anually
39) Always explain to people the reason you've gone the long way round is because the coupe cant go over speedbumps/make it round mini-roundabouts
40) Whenever you have parked your coupe, turn around at least twice to admire it while walking away.
41) Keep a designated space next to your front door for a bottle of oil.
42) The very best Coupes are the "unmolested" standard examples, unless yours is heavily modded, in which case modded examples are definitely superior
43) Remember that all the inferior coupes are devolved forms of the epitome of excellence - the 16v NA.
44) All coupes should have a widget
45) The handbrake lever is to assist old gits with dodgy backs (me) to get in and out of the car - it has little or no use as a device for holding the vehicle stationary
42. Leave a ltr of oil in the boot.
42. Leave a toolkit in the boot.
46) there will be a bi-monthly discussion about mpg, during which people will claim stellar mileage on a signle tank, right up to the point that someone mentions is a 220bhp sporty car and should be driven like one (the exception being the imposition of rule 6, in that the 16v N/A is really only a pretend sporty car and is allowed to claim lots og mpg )
43. Have every spare fuse you can think of in the glove box.
47. Minor chips and scratches must always be rectified by a full respray.
48. Explain the fact that the bonnet wont open without someone giving an assisting tug as a safety feature
49] handbook update...The A/C button to be used on hill descent only ..you dont need the 1.5 horse power, less pad wear & cool those discs !
50)If any any time the car fails to proceed or start it will do so at the worst possible time. Such as when you are miles from home, late for something or most likely both.
51. never take it to a fiat dealership to be repaired as
a) they won't have a clue what it is
b) you will have to put the coupe on sorn until the parts arrive
c) they will quote you more than the coupe is worth to fix it and that is just for a cambelt change
52. You must always find yourself trying to explain why you bought the car and that it's actually faster than the squeaking brakes suggest
53. Every time you put your foot to the floor you should notice that your coop doesn't feel as fast as it did yesterday and certainly not as fast as when you first got it. At this point you should crank up the boost a bit more until the inevitable happens, flame the car for being unreliable then buy another and start all over
54. Never make physical contact with the drivers side bolster as you get in and out of the coupe, or it will disintegrate.
55. Wear your LE Jacket to bed.
56. Have your brother take the coop for a spin while videoing it and try not saying "F#$king Hell! What a sound!"
57. Blast it in 2nd off all roundabouts, especially past vans or lorries to hear the reflected sound of that awesome 5 pot and turbo singing!
58. Put the highest octane fuel in possible and drink one less pint at the weekend to make up the economic difference. Or not.
59. Push start buttons should be pressed by the passenger every time, its cool!
60. At least once put some ski's through the ski hatch.
61. Drive to italy.
62. Book to fix the air-con in the summer only not to bother as the forecast is awful.
63. Prove how easy it is to damage the rubber finish on the centre console by marking it with your finger nail "see, I told you!"
64. Carry in the boot the:-
a. turbo timer you haven't fitted
b. the boost guage you haven't fitted
c. the new indicator stalks you haven't fitted
d. the auxillary belt that snapped weeks ago
65. Smile in amazement the one in fifty time that the indicator self cancels
66. It feels strangley good filling up with that petrol filler....exotic even.
67. Explain how the hell it spells 'pininfarina' and who it is on the dash.
68. Laugh every time you have to use that 'yes it has oil - no it doesn't' informative dipstick.
69. It is the law to accelerate as hard as possible on all slip roads onto motorways.
69a. When doing this be prepared for the inevitable four wheel drift and near death experience you will have
70. You must at least once attempt to get your girlfriend/wife’s ankles into the grab handles…
71) Never buy wheels on the basis of a monkey telling you over the phone they'll fit and Cclear your Brembos with no spacers and wobbly bolts before cheeking the Wheel Fitment Guide
72. You take a huge dislike to birds when they continually sh!t on 'her'.
73. You have to call it 'her'
74. You hate seeing mis-spaced number plates on cars other than coops
75. Squeeze 3 people in the back while strapping the suitcase into the front seat cos it has knowhere to go when picking up friends from the airport.
76. Secretly wish there was a 75 mpg diesel version you could use for town commuting, then swap with your normal coop once out of town.
77. You must park at least 5 miles away when you go to Tescos to avoid parking dinks
78. Never use the windscreen wash with the windows open you will get a mouthfull of it, if you insist on doing this buy some apple flavour
79. If you have the Zender sideskirts you need to perfect the ministry of silly walks for getting out of the car to avoid scratches
80. You suddenly without warning accelerate in first with a female passenger to hear them shriek! (kind of like sex noises, its a good thing!)
81. Be prepared for people to decribe you to others as 'he has a nice car'. Or I've had 'he's fit, and has a lush car' Disclaimer: TRUE STORY (although it was in the dark......they couldn't see the paint swirls )
70a) You must at least once attempt to get your someone else's girlfriend/wife’s ankles into the grab handles…
82. If someone asks what you drive before they have seen it the correct response is "Just an old Fiat"
83. You must occasionally look in the Rolling Road section, they appear to be talking but not in any language known to man…this will stop you from any future thoughts of increasing the engine power.
84. You must have a least one full blown F1 style race with a £200k + supercar and beat it... but only on a DC with two roundabouts... cos thats where you pull 2 car lengths in front
85. All races must be posted on a forum to do with said car and at least 87.48% of the story must be vastly stretched lie's
86. For photographic purposes the Coupe looks best at sunset or sunrise due to the soft light conditions.
87. Metallic colours are better because they have a greater light contrast which highlights the curves and the bumps, and they sparkle in the sunshine
88. For photographic purposes the Coupe looks best in the middle of the day with the sun shining on it.
89. Base colours are better because they are more vibrant and saturated.
90. For photographic purposes the Coupe looks best in the rain with the water beading off it.
91. Metallic colours are better because of rule 1b.
92. Only touch the central dash buttons with a softness of touch that would not even cause a straw weight five minute old kitten with inner ear imbalance problems to fall over, for fear of pushing the whole lot through the back (again).
93. Convince yourself that a decat on standard turbo will not make it smoke.
94. 3 weeks after buying a decat, upgrade the turbo due to leaking oil seals.
95) proclaim that *20V N/A's are just as fast as 20VT's 'in the real world' *as posted by 20V N/A owners
96) Have a glance back at her after you've parked up
97) Swich off stereo, open windows, drop to lower gear in preparation for entering tunnels
98) Ask if 225's offer more grip that 205's then set off *yet* another heated debate
99) Never use the handbrake between the months of October and March
100) forget listening to the footy on 5live on sat at 3 pm while sat in b&q car park.......
101) Use the 16VT as your daily commuter for three weeks, then swap back to the spare car due to crippling fuel bills.
102) For health and safety reasons, when re-fuelling your Coupe do NOT look at the price on the petrol pump if you have any of the following conditions: Low blood pressure, high blood pressure, any blood pressure
103)Use the Funky Windscreen Washers at any given excuse.
Be sure to demonstrate the Funky Windscreen Washers to any passengers. Whether or not they are interested is immaterial.
104)If you dislike the lack of space in the engine bay, try working on a Renault Clio 16V/Williams for a week.
105: When meeting other people who have seen a Coupe before be prepared to hear "Oh yeah - my mate killed himself in one of those"
105) When a male coupe owner posts a comment about their preference for portafino you must question their sexuality.
105b. When a male coupe owner invokes rule 105 it expresses a deep down uncertainty about their own sexuality
105c. except when they publicly show they are wearing the LE Jacket
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f4/davejones81/Clipboard01-1.jpg106) Question why Fiat think broom's are yellow.....
107) Sometimes confuse the boot release for the bonnet release through habit.........
108) Have the urge at least once a month to buy something for her......i.e. in june she got a shiney new exhaust. In May a new set of LED sidelights, April Alloy wheel centre caps, March a new bonnet badge, Feb some Italian style plates, Jan a new head unit........
107) have peace of mind with the knowledge that in winter the security of said coupe is enhanced as it cant be entered even with keys until you throw boiling hot water on doors
108). Do not try to explain to any female passenger what the two gauges to the left mean/show.
110) Do not over-tighten.
111) LE's are over valued and not simply not worth the extra expense for a few extra scraps of red leather & a few lengths of GRP.
112) The 20VT+ is the model to aspire to (I don't have one incidentally).
113) Modifications of any kind on the LE or 20VT are as socially acceptable as Josef Fritzl. The jokes about both may be funny, but the crime remains heinous.
114) If you must modify the Coupe:
i) Use only the 20VT.
ii) Limit exterior modifications to a Zender bodykit & HIDs.
iii) Limit interior modifications to ICE, start button, shiny gear knob & Barnacle Widget. (I want a discount )
iv) There are no limits to under the bonnet mods, though a chavy sounding dump valve is mandatory.
115) Red is the only colour that makes people look twice at the car.
116) If you are inept in the ways of the spanner, unless it's just oil, plugs & filters, get all your servicing done by a Coupe specialist.
117) Do not try to find a better looking or performing car for the money... you will fail spectacularly & such reckless actions will waste valuable time when you could be owning & running a Coupe
118) There is no Haynes manual. There is a simple explanation of why. Haynes' doctrine of "Refitting is the reverse of removal" is concept that simply does not apply to the Coupe in this, or any other dimension.
118a) Neither does the precept "There is now no reason why the engine should not start."
120) Do not remove the FIAT badging. If anything, buy nice new shiny ones to replace the faded dross you've probably got on there. Be proud of & celebrate the brand you own in the way Catherine Tate celebrates being ginger.
121: Make sure you join this club/forum, so you know there are actually other people in existance that appreciate the car.
122: Make sure all these rules reach the pages of Marks' Fiat Coupe book before it's printed.
123: Have your blinds tilted in your bedroom in such a way that when the sun shines in the morning, you see a Fiat badge on your floor
124)always say you think the original 20vt alloys suit the style/lines of the car best,just because you cant find alloys that fit
125: Always check your 16vt camshafts BEFORE you buy it
126) Ladies love the red and black LE leather. FACT
127) When wondering what that new "burning smell" is don't forget to check around the back quickly.Because if you don't you will have a nicely melted bumper
128) When asked (whilst starting from cold- 20VT) what that annoying tapping sound is, tell them it's mearly oil finding its way around the tappets and other cylinder head running gear and not your manifold that has cracked again!
129) Anyone seen wearing an LE Jacket in a public place should be arrested and charged with "Offending Public Decency".
130) non-LE owners will never get it... Until they buy one
131) LE owners will just have to accept the fact that the man spraying the wheels, wing mirrors, petrol cap etc just couldn't be arsed to use a normal easily identifiable colour and instead decided that it would be best if he mixed up his own 'special brew' paint instead, knowing full well that it would annoy and frustrate owners for the next 50 years.
132) Give up on ever thinking you will have spare money in your bank account other than to spend on your coupe.
133) If you ever manage to have spare money in your bank account buy a spare coupe, for when you can not afford to fix your broken coupe on account that you spent your spare money on a spare coupe.
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