I don't remember if I've told you this before, Pope Francis really really likes cats.
To such an extent, he's become a catoholic.

Oddly he wears a dog collar.

I've got a picture of him on my mouse mat.

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple-all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine-they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked,
"What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered,

Shit

Just burst my stitches open

Ive taken the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm. Well, the loud beeping noise was giving me a headache, making me dizzy and feel sick.

An elephant walked up to a man on a nudist beach and asked, 'How do you eat with that?

Do the Durham Wasps have a B team ?

I keep hearing dogs barking.

I think that I have Rin Tin Tinnitus

I keep hearing dogs barking.

I think that I have Rin Tin Tinnitus

What do you call a T-Rex that sells guns?

A small arms dealer

A middlesbrough story.
Does it work where you live ?

Chap walks into Beaverbrooks and says that he wants to buy a crucifix necklace for his girlfriend.

The bimbo behind the counter starts to open a drawer and asks,
Do you want a plain one, or one with the little man on ?

What do you call a man with no shins?

To-Knee

Confucious says Man who cooks carrots and pees in same pot is unhygienic.

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a bacon sandwich?

Just one... if no-one is watching

Ooof

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account."

He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll try again."

A young lady goes to the chemist and asks if they sell condoms in XXL.
Of course, she is told, how many would you like?
Oh no, she replies, I just want to see who buys them...

Not me

An allegedly true but almost certainly apocryphal tale from WW2:

Noting that soldiers on guard used condoms to stop rainwater dripping into the barrels of their rifles, another army approached the British to see whether something similar could be done for their large guns. Rubber being considered a strategic material, the request went all the way up to Churchill.

Who, to everyone's surprise, immediately said yes. With three provisios; that they were marked:

- with the size, 12" x 4"
- "Made in Britain"
- "Small"

·
A large woman, in a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar in Potsdam.

She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”.
The bar goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an old, squintey-eye Barnacle Bob. slams his hand down on the bar and bellows, “Give the ballerina a drink!”.

The bar tender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. She turns to the patrons and again points around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, ‘What man here will buy a lady a drink?”.
Once again, Barnacle Bob slaps his money down on the bar and says, “Give the ballerina another drink!”.

The Publican approaches the old man and says, “Tell me, Bob, it’s your own business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why the hell do you keep calling her the ballerina?”

Bob replies, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”

Chuckle Chuckle

Walking through the cemetery yesterday afternoon, saw a chap shovelling soil into a hole.
Are you the regular gravedigger ? I asked
No, he replied, I'm just filling in.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

This Biker, walked into a biker bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at the Biker and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
The Biker says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The Biker placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to the Biker saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

The Biker replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Brilliant Pete

I didn't realise that you knew my wife !