Not long for some of us

Thread resurrection.

You should never have a pillow fight with the devil unless you are prepared to deal with the reaper cushions.

An old U S Navy Chief shuffled into a waterfront bar.

Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like the job."

The barkeep was skeptical but it’d been awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off so he gave him a try.

The old Chief staggered to the piano as patrons snickered but by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced and what followed was a rhapsody of music and when he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender bought the old Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he’d just played.
The Chief took a long pull from the beer and replied, “It’s called, "Drop Your Skivvies Baby, We're Gonna Rock the Boat Tonight."
The bartender winced, but the old Chief then launched into a knee-slapping, bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
After he finished, the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Your Big Boobs Make My Anchor Hard."

He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

When the old Chief came out of the head, the bartender said, "Look Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

This is for members who remember Doctor Findlays Case Book, & having Janet in a high pitched Scottish voice, Doctor Cameron in a low grumpy Scottish voice.

Janet.
Doctor Cameron, Doctor Cameron

Doctor Cameron.
What is it Janet

Janet
I've got awful heartburn Doctor Cameron.

Doctor Cameron.
Ach! yeah daft woman get yer tits oot o the porridge.

Brought to you by 'give an old joke a home', a registered charity...

Crap joke thread is the clue...

Two young schoolboys standing side by side at the urinal; one looks over at his mate and says, "Oh, I see that you have been circumcised, did it hurt?"

His mate replies, "Hurt, Hurt!!, I couldn't walk for 12 months!"

Can i post links here??

Top jokes from this year's Fringe in case you haven't already seen;


Edinburgh Festival Fringe jokes

A mate of mine has just had a penis extension ...

Now his house looks really stupid.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at centre parks last week?


It's ok now, he woke up after 20 minutes.

I once accidentally swallowed a glider.

I had a soar throat for a week.

I was once given a slice of toast, a boiled egg and a glass of water on a flight.

I'd paid a lot of money and I was extremely furious that I was given such extremely plane food.

I've got such a funny joke about aeroplanes that you will knot be able to stop laughing.

What's a dogs favourite part of a house?
















The woof

What do you call your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren all walking backwards?
A receding heirline.



What do you call a group of mothers walking backwards?
Receding mums.



What do you call a car in busy traffic driving backwards?
Well, it depends on the make and model doesn't it?

It's an Audi. I can tell.

The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

!!! ALERT !!!

A 3 foot 2 inch Psychic has escaped from a high security prison.

Police are saying there's a Small Medium at Large



So sorry

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

nsfw.

Now that's funny I like that...

Scottsman walks into a pub,normally a Irishman,a Englishman and Welshman are in the pub also but their still in Japan!

Ooh Joe, that's a bit 'arsh!

How do insects find the best bug hotels?

Thrip advisor...

As is not uncommon Neil, you forced me to look that one up

aka thunderbugs!

Seasonal message.. ....I don't care what your name is you fat bastard, get those f***ing reindeer off my roof now!

A quick health test not available on the NHS