Always loved this joke.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter

I've wasted the last few evenings rubbing myself up against a combine harvester.

The "experts" at Relate said if I wanted to keep my wife interested I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.

In 1972, Richard Nixon became the first ever US president to visit China. He was invited to Peking to mend a governmental rift, as Mao Tse Tung was fed up of using the stairs

Apparently Russell Brand has a book out called 'My Booky Wooky'.

Personally, I hope he opens a bank.

I was practising on my swing at the driving range today when the manager came out shouting "Take your childrens playground and sod off".

I told my friend not to dig beneath me to find gold but he went ahead and undermined me.

I was walking to my car in the Red Light District earlier today. A woman was lent against my car.
"Hand-job?" she asked.
"No," I replied, "it's fully automatic."

I looked out into my garden to see a load of small black birds that were all speaking Russian.

I think it was a flock of Stalin's.

An Australian marsupial hops into a bar and the barman says, "Wallaby?"

The marsupial says, "I'll have a pint, please."

I was playing for my local pub team last Sunday, when the ref started handing out cards left, right and centre.

Silly sod...Christmas isn't for another month yet.

I phoned up the newspaper to ask how much it was to advertise.

"It's £2 per inch, mate" he told me

"Bugger! I've got a 40 foot ladder to sell"

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer is sent to a jungle outpost in Africa to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the traditional courtesies (cucumber sandwiches washed down by gin and tonic), the retiring colonel says: ''You must meet my right-hand man, Captain Dithers. His talent is simply boundless.''

Dithers is summoned and the new CO is soon stunned to be introduced to a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pock-marked specimen of humanity - no more than 90 centimetres tall - with wildly crossed eyes and ears that droop to his shoulders.

''Dithers, old man,'' the old colonel says, ''tell your new CO about yourself.''

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a silver medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of …''

''Yes, yes, yes, never mind all that Dithers,'' the colonel interrupts impatiently. ''The CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get stuffed.''

What's a specimen ?
It's an Italian astronaut.

After 17 job interviews, and still no job,

I'm beginning to think wearing my lucky track suit isn't so lucky.

My mate has just moved in with his girlfriend and her massive magazine collection. When she refused to part with them he left her.
She had too many issues.

Did you hear about the guy doing the sign-language at Mandela's funeral?

I think it's a disgrace that they found the only person in the world who doesn't know the hand-signal for "Bono".

I went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered a meal. Ten minutes later this duck waddles up to me,gives me a single red rose and says, "Your lips are like rubies and your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I called the waiter over and said "Excuse me. I ordered aromatic duck".

I entered a contest last week for the most prominent veins. I didn't win, but I came varicose.

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Michigan.

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.. The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -59. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

David Cameron walks into Barclays Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Miss, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Cameron :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Cameron , the Prime Minister.
Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Bank of England legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Cameron : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Cameron , but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Cameron :" Please. I am urging you, please, cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look Mr. Cameron , here is an example of what we can do.
One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Cameeron , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you ?
Cameron stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small Notes, Mr. Cameron ?

Why did the Bakers hands smell......

Because he kneaded a poo!

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, ' New Brunswick'.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in ' New Brunswick'.

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney'. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

All these reports of the high winds slowing down everyone's travel are surely an exaggeration.
I've just seen a bloke on a pushbike doing 60mph

We never hear anything from Rick Astley these days.

It's almost like he's given us up, and let us down.

A policeman knocked on my door last night.

He looked at me with a tear in his eye and said, "I've got some bad news."

"You poor soul," I said, "Come in and I'll make you a cup of tea."

The Bank of England is to introduce plastic banknotes that can survive a spin in a washing machine by 2016.

Surely that will just encourage money laundering ?

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".