One Bird Can't but Tou-Can

Just heard that Cadburys are bringing out an oriental chocolate bar, could be a Chinese Whisper.

Other Edinburgh Fringe winning jokes are available...!

Indeed they are:

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.
I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same.
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'.
I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.
The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men.
You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.
The universe implodes. No matter.
I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance.
The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.

keep them coming !

What do you call a detective inspector that's thirsty?

D.I draytion

I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that when it crashes, it bounces.

It's a Boing 747.

Somebody threw a Piano down a Pit-shaft - they found A Flat Minor

I was attacked by some little ginger boy doing martial arts.
It turned out to be the carroty kid!

Hahahaha, that made me chuckle!

Its just been confirmed that Manchester United striker Danny Welbecks grandad was a bomb disposal expert in 2nd world war. Stan Welbeck

The landlord at my local pub said that R Kelly was going to be performing there at the weekend. Turns out it was his daughter.

What's black and doesn't work?

Ben Affleck as Batman.

[sharp intake of breath] Andrew wouldn't go there, surely?!



Ah, he got me.

:he he:

Did you hear about the paper bag who inherited a rare condition? - his Mum was a carrier

Here is a bunch more for the thread:

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web..

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown..

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says how do you know? He says, well "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5 p's and 10 p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours - believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern...

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What you talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail you thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

I entered an erection contest yesterday, but only got as far as the semis.

A plane full of Japanese car parts has exploded in mid-air today.

A local weatherman said it was raining Datsun cogs.

My girlfriend has been depressed, recently she has started to stick wheat and corn all over one side of her body and little pigs and sheep on the other.

I think she is self farming.

I've just found out who was nicking my beetroot. I caught him red handed.

I never wanted to believe that my dad stole from his job as a Road Worker, but when i got home, all the signs were there

An acquaintance claims to have five penises.
His underpants fit like a glove.

I think it should be compulsory for women to wear makeup when driving.


Just so they'll look in the mirror occasionally.

For the most part Reginald Kray was a model citizen but some things would make him mad.

Like military displays.

They drove Reggie mental

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.

I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

Exxxxxcellenttt …… Exxxxxxcellenttt ……… Eggggggsaladddd

A duck walks into a bar, says "have you got any bread?"
The barman says "of course not, this is a pub, now sod off out of here."
The duck says "got any bread?"
The barman says "sod off, I've told you it's a pub."
.
.
.
After repeating this for half an hour, the barman says "if you don't sod off, I'll nail your beak to the bar!"
The duck thinks about this for a moment, then: "got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any bread?"

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

'What the do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says

"Ryanair".