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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: barnacle]
#1457954
13/11/2013 14:18
13/11/2013 14:18
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,294 Portsmouth
ali_hire
Forum is my life
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Forum is my life
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,294
Portsmouth
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A duck walks into a bar, says "have you got any bread?" The barman says "of course not, this is a pub, now sod off out of here." The duck says "got any bread?" The barman says "sod off, I've told you it's a pub." . . . After repeating this for half an hour, the barman says "if you don't sod off, I'll nail your beak to the bar!" The duck thinks about this for a moment, then: "got any nails?" "No." "Got any bread?" Always loved this joke.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1458060
14/11/2013 10:14
14/11/2013 10:14
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patch234
Unregistered
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patch234
Unregistered
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There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1458063
14/11/2013 10:44
14/11/2013 10:44
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 6,731 Surrey
Emjay
Forum is my life
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Forum is my life
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 6,731
Surrey
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I've wasted the last few evenings rubbing myself up against a combine harvester.
The "experts" at Relate said if I wanted to keep my wife interested I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.
Does our law condemn a man without first hearing him to find out what he has been doing? (John 7:51)
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: Paul_V]
#1458633
18/11/2013 07:47
18/11/2013 07:47
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144 Southampton, Hants
Roadking
Club member 1809
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Club member 1809
Forum is my life
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144
Southampton, Hants
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In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer is sent to a jungle outpost in Africa to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the traditional courtesies (cucumber sandwiches washed down by gin and tonic), the retiring colonel says: ''You must meet my right-hand man, Captain Dithers. His talent is simply boundless.''
Dithers is summoned and the new CO is soon stunned to be introduced to a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pock-marked specimen of humanity - no more than 90 centimetres tall - with wildly crossed eyes and ears that droop to his shoulders.
''Dithers, old man,'' the old colonel says, ''tell your new CO about yourself.''
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a silver medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of …''
''Yes, yes, yes, never mind all that Dithers,'' the colonel interrupts impatiently. ''The CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get stuffed.''
"RK's way seems the most sensible to me". ali_hire 16 Dec 2010
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1463030
12/12/2013 16:05
12/12/2013 16:05
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546 Northumberland
AndrewR
I AM a Coop
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I AM a Coop
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
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Did you hear about the guy doing the sign-language at Mandela's funeral?
I think it's a disgrace that they found the only person in the world who doesn't know the hand-signal for "Bono".
Dear monos, a secret truth.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1467384
09/01/2014 00:50
09/01/2014 00:50
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,592 Aldershot
PeteP
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
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Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
Forum Fossil
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,592
Aldershot
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Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Michigan.
She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.. The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -59. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.
16VT and X1/9 1500
We must all do our part for the planet. I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: Paul_V]
#1467608
10/01/2014 10:19
10/01/2014 10:19
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144 Southampton, Hants
Roadking
Club member 1809
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Club member 1809
Forum is my life
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144
Southampton, Hants
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David Cameron walks into Barclays Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Miss, could you please cash this cheque for me?" Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Cameron :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Cameron , the Prime Minister. Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Bank of England legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Cameron : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Cameron , but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Cameron :" Please. I am urging you, please, cash this cheque." Cashier: "Look Mr. Cameron , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. Cameeron , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you ? Cameron stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue." Cashier: "Will that be large or small Notes, Mr. Cameron ?
"RK's way seems the most sensible to me". ali_hire 16 Dec 2010
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1467755
10/01/2014 22:23
10/01/2014 22:23
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,592 Aldershot
PeteP
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
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Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
Forum Fossil
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,592
Aldershot
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The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The man replied, ' New Brunswick'.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in ' New Brunswick'.
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney'. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
16VT and X1/9 1500
We must all do our part for the planet. I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: PeteP]
#1467787
10/01/2014 23:58
10/01/2014 23:58
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000 Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V
Competition Level
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Competition Level
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
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A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
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