I’ve started dating couches, but I’ve had no luck sofa.

I feel so strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles, I’ve signed a partition.

My wife told me I had to give up drinking, so I joined the AA.

Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.

At least either way I’m on the road to recovery.

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I’m easily lead.

I went to a dyslexic rave last night. Everyone was taking F’s and there was a guy in the corner trying to inject a heron.

Sometimes I love having my steak undercooked, but that’s rare.

I just received a text, all it said was “AGNB".

I think it’s bang out of order.

Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

Dave Gahan from Depeche Mode came up to me the other day and gave me some Feta, some Cheddar and a bit of Dairylea and told me not to share them with anyone. “Why not?", I asked. “Because," said Dave “they’re your own personal cheeses".

I’ve just been diagnosed with gammon flu. I did have swine flu, but they cured me.

Sad news today form the 'Nestle' factory. A member of staff was severely injured today when a pallet of chocolate fell 50 feet and crushed him underneath. The unnamed member of staff did try to call attention to his plight, but everytime he shouted 'the milky bars are on me' the other members of staff just cheered.

I went to the doctors because a new pair of ears has grown behind my normal ears that can only hear complaints, apparently I've got double new moan ear!

I was walking my dog today when i came across a bull stuck in an electric fence. I think it was charging!

The doctor recently diagnosed me with 70`s fever. It flares up occasionally.

I think its pretty obvious Lance Armstrong has been taking lots of drugs for all these years. I mean, look how much his appearance has changed since the time he sang 'what a wonderful world'.

Me and the wife had a game of draughts earlier. She opened the window, I countered by leaving the back door ajar.

I’ve just been diagnosed with gammon flu. I did have swine flu, but they cured me.>>

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I caught the sun today.

My hands are killing me!.......

This new footwear is killing me.

Think I'm committing shoeicide...

I went to the zoo yesterday, there was only one dog there. It was a shitzu

Just got back from the hospital. They reckon I might have Pneumonoutramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiois, but at the moment its hard to say.

I just threw a frying pan for my dog, but he wouldn't fetch. Then I realised its non stick.

I think my pig is a drug addict.
It keeps snorting!

My mate thinks he has the power to kill people with his watch.
What a seiko!

WARNING if you get a message from me with a link asking to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT .. its SPAM!

Wayne Rooney has asked for a transfer.
David Moyes has asked for it in writing.

So that's the end of that then.

My mum laughed at me when I told her I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. .

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta

My friend Samantha auditioned for Xfactor this year but her confidence was knocked when Gary Barlow said she sounded like a mobile phone. Samsung awful

Some Egyptian fella just pulled up in an Escort, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the window. Bloody toot and car moon.

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blowjobs and smoking weed. She was known as oral high Jean.