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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1436565
05/07/2013 08:21
05/07/2013 08:21
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546 Northumberland
AndrewR
I AM a Coop
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I AM a Coop
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
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From my daughter (aged 13)...
Why was Susie sad? She had no arms.
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Not Susie.
Dear monos, a secret truth.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1436612
05/07/2013 13:17
05/07/2013 13:17
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,098 highlands
jimboy
Club Member 857
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Club Member 857
Forum is my life
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,098
highlands
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Chap walks into a bar with a set of jump leads round his neck. Before he can order his drink the bar man takes one look at the chap & says.....don't you be starting anything in here now!
I'm an old git & happy with it,most of the time
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: Paul_V]
#1437235
10/07/2013 12:53
10/07/2013 12:53
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Enforcer
Unregistered
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Enforcer
Unregistered
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I had to tell my patient that I had dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery.
I will never forget the look on his elbow. That's too good for a crap joke thread!
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437259
10/07/2013 14:56
10/07/2013 14:56
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 7,704 Harpenden
sugerbear
Je suis un Coupé
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Je suis un Coupé
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 7,704
Harpenden
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An IPv6 packet walks into a Bar.
No one talks to it.
Last edited by sugerbear; 11/07/2013 07:46.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437265
10/07/2013 15:30
10/07/2013 15:30
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546 Northumberland
AndrewR
I AM a Coop
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I AM a Coop
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
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How many country and western singers does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to sing about how good the old one was.
Dear monos, a secret truth.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437278
10/07/2013 16:23
10/07/2013 16:23
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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how do you get a fat girl into bed?
Piece of cake..
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437279
10/07/2013 16:23
10/07/2013 16:23
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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What smells of wee and goes in and out?
The hokeycokey at an old people's home.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437284
10/07/2013 16:26
10/07/2013 16:26
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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arranged a pessimists meeting today,
It wasn’t a great turn out, the room was half empty.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437286
10/07/2013 16:26
10/07/2013 16:26
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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I just burnt my fingers in boiling oil and screamed “OOH OOH AAH AAH" like a monkey.
It was a chip pan, see.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437288
10/07/2013 16:27
10/07/2013 16:27
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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Grab your taco, you’ve pulled a dyslexic Mexican.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437289
10/07/2013 16:28
10/07/2013 16:28
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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BREAKING NEWS: Explosion in French cheese shop.
There seems to be lots of De Brie.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437291
10/07/2013 16:29
10/07/2013 16:29
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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We’ve kicked this emu out of our club because he was too big.
He’s been ostrich sized.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437292
10/07/2013 16:30
10/07/2013 16:30
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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I just ordered 10,000 bottles of TippEx. I made a massive mistake.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437295
10/07/2013 16:31
10/07/2013 16:31
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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My friend lost a bet so now he has to let a Rastafarian cut his hair. He’s dreading it.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437296
10/07/2013 16:33
10/07/2013 16:33
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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I bumped into an old mate today.
He said, “What you up to these days?"
I said, “I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down ‘n’ outs."
He said, “So you work in a charity drop in centre?"
I said, “No, I’m a chef in a Wetherspoons pub."
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437297
10/07/2013 16:33
10/07/2013 16:33
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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My girlfriend left me yesterday. She says I’m schizophrenic.
Stupid bitch wasn’t good enough for you anyway, Steve.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437298
10/07/2013 16:36
10/07/2013 16:36
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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I’m a big fan of “The Inbetweeners". I love the catchphrases. Yesterday I was driving down the road when I saw some people at a bus stop. I pulled up next to them and shouted, “BUS !" I was pissing myself laughing. Although things did get a bit awkward when they stepped on to pay for their tickets.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437299
10/07/2013 16:37
10/07/2013 16:37
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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Did you know that Sean Connery’s 80 Roger Moore’s 83 Pierce Brosnan’s 57 Daniel Craig’s 42….oh yeah!
To explain, I’m really into Bond age.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437300
10/07/2013 16:41
10/07/2013 16:41
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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My scouse mate was sending in a loan application today. He said, “I have a good credit history, I think I’ll walk it."
“But you’re from Liverpool," I said. “You’ll never walk a loan."
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437301
10/07/2013 16:44
10/07/2013 16:44
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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I used to feed gorillas at Chester Zoo from a distance using a golf club.
I’d drive them bananas.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437303
10/07/2013 16:46
10/07/2013 16:46
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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To the people who hate hand gestures: I salute you.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437304
10/07/2013 16:47
10/07/2013 16:47
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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Last Halloween I was mugged by a Ghostbuster, and ironically, I didn’t know who to call.
Happy
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1437305
10/07/2013 16:48
10/07/2013 16:48
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617 SE Essex
charlie_croker
I need some sleep
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I need some sleep
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,617
SE Essex
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Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films. “Okay," I said. “You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I’m never going give you Up."
Happy
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